Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Truth. Sometimes the Universe Just Knows.
Today was my favorite day of any given month -- cupcake day at the world's greatest wedding cake shop. A truly remarkable (homeschooling mother of six) I am beyond blessed to know is also the world's greatest baker. And every couple of months or so they do a CUPCAKE DAY. One day when you can pre-order select flavors of cupcakes rather then having to hold a whole other wedding just to get your hands on some of Kristen's fantastic creations. An idea I have
certainly not considered. One does not have weddings to eat cake. (must remember to repeat to myself in the middle of the night.)
Those little babies might just save my life today. Okay, maybe not. But they did keep the following from containing a whole lot more superlatives.
DEAR CHILDREN OF MINE,
'I love you all dearly but you're all an overflowing trash can and a stray sock in the hallway from driving your mother into a looney bin. While the idea of a clean, sterile, quiet vacation doesn't sound too bad, our craptastic insurance will certainly never pay for such nonsense. You don't want Mommy spending the Christmas money on valium and yoga therapy now do you ?! That's what I thought, so listen up:
1. If by some chance you "accidently" PEE on something you own. Hiding it behind the bathroom door and in front of the HEATING VENT is a sure fire way to get Mom to hunt you down. No joke.
2. The hallway is a common area of a home which you travel to get to other areas of the home. It is not otherwise known as a "storage facility" - make note.
3. The time to ask me to sign
all 147,893 papers for school is NOT as the bell is ringing and we are just squealing into the lot and trying to throw you all out the still forward lurching van so as to avoid a tardy slip. Moving forward I will not be carrying pens in my purse, if you need a paper signed and have failed to get it signed before leaving the house I Will NOT BE SIGNING IT. If I do I will use a sparkle crayon and sign it "Beevis and Butthead" -- you do not know who this is but your teachers will. They will NOT be amused.
4. I am NOT a dancer. I do not wear tights, or leotards, nor am I required to wear my hair in a bun six days out of seven. If you ARE - I would highly recommend making certain that you have the things you need to do this. If I have to continue to follow up on you, and carry your extra items in my purse I will start to charge you for my services as a PERFORMING ARTS MANAGER. Personal assistants do NOT come cheap. Lucky for you you were born with two of your own -- you call them LEFT AND RIGHT - use them.
5. If you think you are being crafty in your attempts to STEAL unauthorized snacks from the cupboard think again - a lock has been purchased and remember - when you hide your FOOD behind the bathroom door - SEE offense #1.